- I came back from Washington sick. I am still not 100% better. I'm tired of breathing through my mouth and having a headache everyday.
- My boobs hurt. Sorry I know this is TMI, but they've been sore for almost two weeks now. The last thing I want to do is stuff them into a sports bra and jump around, so that plus the sickness has killed my motivation to workout. I also wake up every morning drenched in sweat. Sore boobs plus waking up sweaty has got to mean my hormones are whacked out right now, which of course makes me super nervous since I haven't had a period since I started training for the marathon.
- No period means I should take a test just to be safe, but those things cost about $10, and I only have $14.55 in my checking account right now, and I have to get gas after work if I want to make it home. So you can imagine that since I only have $14.55, I'm pretty stressed-out financially. Side note: It is usually not that bad, but I have been living off of my furlough paycheck for the last two weeks... thankfully I get paid tomorrow.
- Job number one is a complete disaster and I cannot escape it. I go to work... all of my coworkers are on edge (and that is putting it very lightly for some of them). I talk to Anna and Lisa, they are stressed about it. Then I go home, and Andy is stressed about it. And it all makes sense, but I can't escape it, and the problem is the issue is so "intoxicating" that it's hard not to get swept up and emotional about it. Things are especially stressful since our annual meeting is today. Talking about it last night got Andy and I both so worked up that we just spent all night yelling at each other and now we're barely talking... all about whether or not a staff member should have expressed their stress over setting up a table last minute. Stupid. Yet I was so mad I didn't even start to fall asleep until around 2:00am.
- Job number two is not great either. While I was in WA our boss was basically fired, and now we have Marcia as our supervisor, which is definitely for the better, but change is always a little tricky. I can tell not everyone is completely on board, and even though everything is fine as far as I'm concerned, it's a little odd to leave a job one way, and come back to it totally different without any warning. Not to mention, we get paid garbage there because they consider our free membership compensation for the work we do... oh except we're barely allowed to use the club right now since it's so busy and they've restricted the hours we're allowed to work out. Plus did I mention I work at the front desk so when it is 7 degrees outside and the front doors open over and over and over again, it is FREEZING up there? Yeah job number two isn't so great...
- My parents are falling apart. Actually I think they're maybe starting to get better, but I'm upset they are falling apart and feel so guilty that I am not around to help. My mom's first day back to work was yesterday and I know she was exhausted and is in a lot of pain now. I wish she could stay home and keep resting her leg. Then my dad has been having arm pain for awhile... he had a doctor's appointment to determine whether or not he needs surgery - I guess right now they are just going to try giving him a shot in his neck in hopes that it will take away some of the swelling.
- My Seneca7 Relay has become a living nightmare. There's no way to resolve it without making someone upset, and as all of the people doing it are people I care about, it means I'm going to have to upset someone I care about. If only I could win the lottery so I could take everyone's financial concerns away - and then also find a 7th runner who everyone loved, well then it would all be fine. But it's not all fine. Honestly, I wish I had never signed us all up for it in the first place.
- My productivity level is pathetic. I try to lose myself in the magical world of Pinterest to pretend that everything is happy and fine. But instead I don't get anything done, and then I feel more despair because I'm failing at getting my life in order at home and feeling like a lazy failure at work.
- I feel ugly... I haven't been tanning in weeks so I feel pale and feel like my skin is more gross than normal (honestly tanning seems to help my complexion a bit). Since I'm gaining weight by the second (more on that in a minute) I'm back into my fat pants and worrying about finding shirts that don't cling. And now that I'm back at work, I'm back to wearing uncomfortable shoes that I don't even think are cute. I. hate. work. shoes. And then there's my hair... I haven't had highlights or a trim since a few weeks before the marathon. My hair is all scraggly and grown out and looks bland and boring. Plus my eyebrows are unruly and I always feel like it is impossible to look pretty without nice eyebrows. But a brow wax and trip to get my hair done cost much more than the $14.55 I have right now, so those things will have to wait... probably for a long time.
- Which brings me to the card that trumps them all. Food. Who makes me feel better when I am sick? Food. Who makes me feel happy when my boobs are sore? Food. Who makes me not worry when I'm freaked out about money? Food. Who distracts me at both jobs from all of the work drama? Food. Who comforts me at home when I'm upset? Food. Who makes me forget that I even have a relay race to worry about? Food. Who soothes me from feeling like a failure when I get nothing done? Food. Why am I saying "who" and acting like food is a person? Because to me it is. Food is my friend. I know I have wonderful friends and amazing parents, but when I feel like I'm in the pit of despair I feel so alone. Food is my friend. But food is also my enemy. I thought the day I'd get engaged would be the day the pounds would melt off and I'd become the thin person I used to be when Andy and I first met. Nope. Instead I've just managed to gain and gain and gain. And honestly, if everything I listed above weren't there to list... if everything was going great... I would still feel despair over stuffing my face with food. So you see... food is my enemy too.
God that was all very depressing. I'm sorry you had to read it all, but like I said in the beginning, I wrote it more for myself to get it all out of my system rather than to seek sympathy from you folks who've got life a bit more together than myself. I don't think getting it all out of my system will magically flip my happy switch - I'll have to work on it all a little at a time. And then wish for a dash of luck/inspiration/motivation too.
Whenever I was little my mom used to make me say two nice compliments about someone if I said something mean about them, so I will end this post with two happy things that I am enjoying in life right now.
1) New sheets. I got new sheets from IKEA during their after Christmas sale. Not only were they cheap, but I finally put them on the bed this weekend and I really really like them.
2) Rebecca rescued a house plant that was left for the garbage man on the sidewalk and is kindly giving it to me! Rebecca's Aunt Hoag just passed away (she was 91, a good long life) so in honor of her, I am naming my new plant "Plant Hoag." That joke makes me smile. :-)
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| Plant Hoag |
Oh, silly Barbara! The A-clown isn't worth feeling stressed about. Let us just laugh together at all the fools at job number 1 running around like chickens with their heads cut off. In fact, whenever some fool overly invested in A-clown's shenanigans stresses you out, just imagine them as a headless chicken. And then eat a cookie and let food be your friend. And then go to midtown with me and watch a cleaning show on the treadmill, and we shall bring balance to The Force. This is my adwice.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Plant Hoag made everybody laugh at the funeral, too. Nice work!
You are so smart. I suppose I shouldn't be nearly as stressed as A-clown himself, who is unemployed. ;-)
ReplyDeletePlant Hoag made it home safely. I talked to her on the car ride home... it's amazing how once you give something a name, you are much more likely to talk to it. I was like, "Time to go home Hoag!!" Then I was embarrassed that I talked to a plant. Then I turned a corner and she started to fall over and I said, "Don't fall over Hoag!!!" So obviously I wasn't thaaat embarrassed because I did it again, hehe.