I'm not back

Why does 2013 hate the Larsons?

My mom is on the mend. She's going through physical therapy for her ankle now and is at least able to walk without crutches. Hopefully soon she will be able to get rid of her boot! But what a lousy way to spend the first two months of the year. Poor Mom.

My dad is not on the mend. After several attempts to fix his neck/shoulder/arm issue, it's finally come to him needing surgery. On March 13th my dad will have an artificial disc put in his neck, and will get to sport a lovely soft collar neck brace for awhile. Poor Dad.

I finally went to physical therapy this morning after spending 2.5 months with some persistent knee pain. After being poked and twisted, the PT guy says I've got fluid in my knee (I could have told him that) and that there's a chance my medial meniscus is torn. He's submitting his findings to my doctor and it looks like I have some x-rays to look forward to in the very near future.

Peeps - I'm obviously imagining the worst so I'm preparing myself to be thoroughly devastated.

1) What if I need surgery? That's scary, especially to not have my parents around.
2) How will I pay for this? I just switched health insurance plans to the high deductible kind. Great timing...
3) What if I can't run? I'd be sad if I couldn't run the half marathon at the end of April, but worse... what if I can't run the relay?? After so much drama surrounding the relay, I would feel terrible to let my team down (now that we actually have one).
4) Being depressed + Not being able to exercise.... I am so so so afraid I will eat and eat and eat and gain tons of weight and hate myself

Of all I'm most afraid of number 4. I know that's pathetic, but the truth is... despite exercising now, I've been gaining weight like crazy. I'm up 10 pounds from Christmas. I'm just so upset. It's taking everything I have not to cry at work (I'm not doing a very good job). How could this be happening? What happened to my self control and will power?? I feel like I'm trapped inside a body that I can't control - I can feel my facial features receding into massive fatty cheeks, I can feel my chin and neck get all bunched up in weird ways whenever I barely tip my chin down... my stomach, my arms, my inner thighs, my hips, my back - I hate them all. I used to be proud of my legs - so what if they are bulky, they carried me 26.2 miles. But now? Now they're still bulky, and lumpy, and pale... oh and they don't even work anymore. Sorry, I know I'm being ridiculous. I'm just so upset and I can't stop crying and my throat feels swollen from trying to hold back the tears.

I really wanted 2013 to be a great year. I really thought that the moment I became engaged, everything would be even better than before. But ever since I got back from spending Christmas in Washington, everything has been awful. All 2013 blog updates are just depressing. I want so badly to turn things around - to feel a stable sense of happiness. I really thought starting to train for the half marathon would "fix" things, and it did for Monday. But then Tuesday happened and job number two was frustrating, and then Wednesday happened and I was exhausted from working both jobs the day before, and here we are on Thursday and now I'm not supposed to run if it hurts my knee (which it does). Why can't things just go right for a change????

I know it's all my outlook. But I just can't. seem. to. change. it. :-(