I smell a rat...

... ok I dont' really smell a rat, but I had a dream last night about rats - more on that in a bit.

Last night was Katie's last night working at Job #2. Our boss got her a cookie cake that said "Good Luck Katie." We nibbled on it all night long, and it wasn't until we were punching out that Katie noticed the only part of her cookie cake that was left said "Go." How fitting. To my dearest Katie - it has been MORE than a pleasure to work with you every Tuesday. Although I know it is a very depressing town, I'm so glad you moved here and worked at Job #2 so that we could become friends. :-) You are one of my most favorite people and you will not get rid of me. Don't even try.

Go Katie. Go.

Well she didn't get rid of me easily after all. For my "lunch break" today I met Katie at Michael's to pick out ribbon for our ponytails! We will be the cutest relay runners ever.

You will have to wait for future pictures to see what we chose!

While at Michael's I got the best text from my dad. My Mema's surgery was cancelled!! For now. She is doing so well, they decided to hold off on surgery for the time being... if she continues to improve, she will get to go home next week. Your positive thoughts all worked big time! Thank you friends. :-)

Now onto the rats. Right now my bedroom is COVERED in clothes. It's the result of many things... our grocery store closed, which is where we used to get quarters (now quarters are super hard to find), it hurts my knee to bend down and pick clothes up/haul them to the laundry room and back, I barely fit into any of my clothes so every morning is a clothing explosion as I try to find something to stuff myself into. It's a bad situation. I HAVE to clean them up before my surgery because I need to be able to get around on crutches, and I'm pretty sure a cleared floor is essential for that.

Ok ok so the rats. Last night I had a dream that there were rats climbing in and out of piles of clothes in our bedroom. At first it's like, ok obviously the mess is bothering me so much that it's creeped into my dreams. But then I decided to do a google search to see what it means when you dream about rats (this was inspired because somehow in some crazy coincidental world, Rebecca also had a dream about a rat last night). Here's what google says...

A rat is a sign that negative influences are undermining your vitality. Dreams about rats and mice usually reflect the worries which are "gnawing" you. To see a rat in your dream, signifies feelings of doubts, greed, guilt, unworthiness and envy.

That really "struck" something in me... it was so spot on. Now let me break down my despair for you...

Negative influences undermining your vitality: My knee. It's stopped me from exercising. It hurts to do stuff, so I barely clean/do laundry and the apartment is just so miserable to be in because it's so messy. I never have clean clothes, clean dishes, etc.

Worries gnawing you: Mema in the hospital, my knee surgery, my relay this weekend, TONS of stuff at work, taking care of the apartment, losing weight/worrying that I'll spend another summer hating myself.

Feelings of doubt: Will I be able to make it through the relay? Will I be able to lose weight for my wedding? for Sheena's wedding?

Greed: Don't think I have any of this?? 

Guilt: I feel guilty for "letting myself go" ever since my knee started hurting. I was doing so good with Weight Watchers and exercising. And as much as I try to restart each week, I always give up so easily and keep eating and laying on the couch.

Unworthiness: I don't feel worthy to be on my relay team. My team is so fit and health. And even though I "should" be able to run and keep up, I won't be able to this time, and I can't help but feel like I'll be the big slow one in the group. I would have been the slow one anyway and that's if I were running at top speed! But now I'll probably have to walk parts and my workout clothes will be too tight, I'll look bad in pictures, yet I'll still stuff my face with PBJ's in the van.

Envy: I know everyone has their own struggles, but I'm so envious of my friends who can run just fine, have healthy relationships with food (or at least are better at controlling themselves), don't live in the ghetto, get to be closer to their parents...

I think I need a maid and maybe a therapist. I wonder if there are any therapists that will clean my house while fixing my head.

I'm really hoping that once my knee feels better my life will change. So far I hate 2013.