Confession

If you're as tired of my depressing "food obsession" posts as I am, then stop reading now, and wait for the next post.

I binged.

Monday I had the day off. In my dream world I would have gone to training, come home and showered and had a healthy breakfast, been productive around the house (lots of unpacking and cleaning), run a few errands (grocery store, return a pair of shoes), made a great dinner, and spent some relaxing time at home with Andy in the evening.

Instead I woke up (later than I would have liked) with my stomach still mad at me for eating chicken wings, sat in the waiting room of Firestone for forever and a day, went to the grocery store with Andy and spent $$$ on food for a dinner party, found out the dinner party wasn't happening after all, and then... it was over.

First I started with an apple and some powdered peanut butter in an attempt to be good.
Then I had a small bowl of strawberry soy ice cream with melted peanut butter (the real stuff) on top.
Then I had another one.
Then I melted peanut butter in the bowl, stirred seeds into it, spooned more strawberry soy ice cream on top and mixed it all together.
This continued until all of the ice cream was gone.
And throughout all of this, I would shove "date cubes" into my mouth anytime the peanut butter would be melting in the microwave.

Then thankfully I stopped and went to a yoga class at 5:30pm. Seetha said if I binged to try to do yoga or meditation right after to signal that it was "over." Of course, on my drive to yoga, I downed a bag of trail mix.

Yoga was great - surprisingly because my stomach obviously felt like it was about to explode...and I was worried it would explode out of my butt as yoga has a tendency to move things in that direction. I went to a different yoga studio - after a binge I just didn't want to have to go to my workplace to do yoga, see tons of people I know, and have to act like things were fine...

After class, Rose came over and Andy and I went ahead and made a smaller scale of our planned dinner anyway. We had kale salad with dried cherries, asian pears, and walnuts, butternut squash soup, steak, and mexican chocolate pudding. SO GOOD! Even though I wasn't even hungry because of all of the food I had before yoga, I still really enjoyed the flavors of our dinner.

Rose

Andy with a mouthful

And what goes better with dinner than a post-dinner headstand fest? It all started by talking about push ups and Andy having to show us how to do a real one....which of course evolved to different ab exercices, and then... headstands! Rose is a pro and taught me how to do one with the help of the wall. There were a few hysterical mishaps, but for about 3 whole seconds, I was able to hold it without any support from the wall. Cool!!! I never thought I'd be able to do that.

Almost there!

Getting closer!!!

Once Rose left, I did the dishes, and Andy worked on putting laundry away upstairs. Since I was left alone in the kitchen again, with the disguising sound of the running water, I dove back into the cupboards.

More seeds and nuts
More peanut butter
More date cubes
And lots and lots of chocolate.

And now it's Tuesday. I feel sick to my stomach (no surprise there). I've also texted Seetha about my confession. Even though I'm feeling emotionally drained, I feel much more mentally stable. It's hard not to feel like a total failure after a binge. But the only way I'd be a true failure is if I gave up on everything and started hitting up the drive thrus again. This is an opportunity to prove to myself that I can recover quickly and get back to that happy place I've been in over the last month. And I should also take time to recognize the good - even though I was totally out of control with eating, I still only ate Seetha approved items. I didn't go get a Diet Coke. Or a cookie. Or cake. Or chips. Or bread. I'd say that's a pretty big victory and shows that even in my dark moments, there is still a glimmer of hope shining somewhere in me... otherwise I would have let loose and ate anything and everything, Seetha approved or not.

Tomorrow is Weigh-More Wednesday, but considering the scale has gone up 3+ pounds in the last two days, I'm very hopeful that tomorrow will break the trend. Stay tuned.