I'm proud to say that I made it through yesterday without a binge. I made sure to drink lots of water and go to bed early so I could get a little extra sleep. What a difference a day makes - today I'm down 2 pounds (so only 1.4 more to go to recover completely from my two days of destruction). I feel energized and excited to continue on the Seetha path.
Here's what she had to say:
First she said I should be VERY proud that I made it 42 days before falling off the wagon. Apparently all of the clients she's ever had (who struggle with my same issues) have never made it that long when they first start out - I really should give myself more credit for the good job I am doing. Seetha reminded me that this is a process, and with slip ups come opportunities to learn.
Well I learned. She had me talk through the whole process. What I ate, when, what I was thinking, etc. And when I finished she said, "This is great, now we know one of your triggers." Drumroll...... NUTS! Big surprise there!!! Not just peanut butter though, nuts in general. So now what? No nuts. I'm cutting them out completely. I knew this would happen... I knew this was what I needed to do a long time ago... but with Seetha saying it, it's like it became a reality. What I loved most about our nut conversation was the line she gave me to use when it comes up - "I'm sorry I can't. I recently learned I have a sensitivity to nuts." PERFECT!!! Some of my coworkers can be so mean with their comments about what I chose to eat (or not eat) - this line is the perfect way to take care of their comments... the best part is it's true! It's not even a lie! They'll of course think sensitivity means I'm allergic, but whatever... they can think that.
Once we decoded the trigger for my first binge, we talked about future binges, which she assured me would happen (I know she's right). This time when I binged I was eating tons of nuts, dates, peanut butter, seeds, and strawberry ice cream. If all of the world's food was available to me, would I have still picked those things? No way! I'd probably choose an ooey gooey cinnamon roll. Her point was... just cut to the chase and have what you really want. Don't mess around with dates because really, who wants tons of dates? Even I don't! In the future, I will try to pause before a binge just long enough to ask myself what I would reeeally like to have, and then just go and get that, rather than eating all the way through my cupboards in hopes to find something that satisfies the urge that got me started in the first place. And she's not even saying go out and have three bites of the cinnamon roll. She said to get a big gigantic one and eat the whole thing. With that tactic, a binge will hopefully be just an "event" rather than "a whole day." She also made a point to mention that binges usually don't just happen in one day, but rather spread out through at least two (hmmm that sounds familiar), so my goal in the future will be to have two events, and make both events something I'm really craving.
We met for an hour, so we covered a lot of ground. I also asked her about how to handle party food. Rule number 1 - stay away from any food that's a trigger. Rule number 2 - stay away from any ingredient that's in any of the trigger foods. At Anna's the other night there were chocolate cupcakes that looked amazing, and I was proud of myself for not having one even though I really wanted one. What did I have instead? Chocolate. Well there ya go... I was trying to substitute the cupcake with the chocolate, but did I really want the chocolate? Not as much as I wanted that cupcake! She said I would be better off to wait, then when I leave the party get a cupcake (or something else that sounds even more delicious) and eat that alone. This is kind of interesting because I'm ashamed that I eat bad things in hiding, but the way she explained it made since. Eating a "baddie" is an emotional thing for me. If I eat a cupcake at a party, I've had a trigger (I'm certain baked goods are a trigger for me). But did I get to fully enjoy that trigger? No because I'm probably talking to people and distracted by the goings on of the party. Now I'll have the taste for the cupcake and want more because I didn't get to experience the mental part of eating it - better to experience the whole thing all at once. I hope that makes sense!
SO! There you have it. I won't eat nuts or nut butters anymore, unless I'm having one of those moments where I feel a binge coming on and, after reflection, decide that that is actually what I desire most. I will do my best to ask myself what I really want when I feel a binge come on, and try to honor that - by handling it that way I imagine I won't feel so out of control. At parties I will genuinely try to steer clear of all food unless I am genuinely hungry, and if I see something at the party that I can't get out of my mind, I will go get that and enjoy it in peace and quiet.
Time to move forward. :-)
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